


Hanging onto a Dream that's Too Dumb to Die

by DiveIn_HeadFirst_CantLose



Category: All Elite Wrestling
Genre: Angst, Everyone Has Issues, I blame saturatedsinset for all of this, It just happened, Kenny misses when he could be himself, Kenny was only Soft for Kota, M/M, Matt kisses when Kenny loved him, Nick is staying out of this bullshit, Probably bad and vague, another hanahaki au, gratuitous use of the word fuck, he never meant to lead matt on, mattkenny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:34:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29543841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiveIn_HeadFirst_CantLose/pseuds/DiveIn_HeadFirst_CantLose
Summary: Matt loves Kenny. Kenny loved him too, once. Once, they were all happy.Things change.
Relationships: Ibushi Kota/Kenny Omega, Matt Jackson/Kenny Omega
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	Hanging onto a Dream that's Too Dumb to Die

**Author's Note:**

  * For [saturatedsinset](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturatedsinset/gifts).
  * Inspired by [(begging for) footnotes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29205495) by [saturatedsinset](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturatedsinset/pseuds/saturatedsinset). 



> Blame SaturatedSinset’s lovely Mattkenny work for this :)

Matt Jackson has decided he hates flowers.

He knows who they are for. 

It's always him, everything, every road, every path he takes, something always brings him back to Kenny.

It never seems to take too long. A week, a few days. Maybe a few months once or twice. He's told himself he's done so many times, he's told himself he's going to forget it all and move on, before realising he doesn't know how to let anyone else in, even his own brother.

Every time he tries to go, he ends up in Kenny's hotel room all over again. Every time he's about to leave, he gets a text with a room number. If Kenny shows him just the slightest acknowledgment, anything, anything but indifference, he rushes straight back into his arms.

He knows that Kenny is a man weaved from contradictions. His ambiguity is one of the most enchanting things about him, his grey morality, the way he can keep someone like Matt, who has known him for so long, still guessing.

Some days, Kenny loves him. He knows it's true, Kenny doesn't use those three words lightly, and yet he has still whispered them into Matt's ear.

Other days... well. Kenny doesn't hate him, but he treats him as if he's worthless. Disposable.

It would be easier if Kenny hated him. When Kenny hates someone, sparks fly between them, and they clash. There's tension, theres a struggle for power, there is violence. Violence is a love language in itself, just look at Kenny and Ibushi. 

Why would Kenny ever want him, over someone like Ibushi? 

Why would someone like Kenny want the least talented Jackson brother? He's not impossibly beautiful like Kota, their fates aren't intertwined in that way Kota and Kenny's are.

He looks at the floret in his hands. It's a candytuft flower. His heart had dropped right through the floor as he had searched for a meaning, for something to make sense. After finding out the meaning, he wishes he had never searched for an answer.

Indifference.

The petals are as pink as Tokyo in the springtime, and as fragile and sweet as Kenny's pretty lies.

He knows he's still just as in love as before. He knows that sticking by him brings nothing but torment, but he does it all the same. If Kenny calls out to him in the darkness, he'll trip over his own feet rushing to his side, regardless of whether Kenny has obliterated the bridge they've torched ten thousand times before.

Despite his unfailing loyalty, his worship of the man, Kenny never sees him. He just wants to be seen. He just wants Kenny to see how much he needs him, how much they need each other.

He gives Kenny everything he is, over and over, he's swallowed his pride, he's shown Kenny all the parts of himself that he hates, all the small things that make him insecure.

Kenny might as well have circled them in permanent marker.

He had offered a hand to Kenny many times, but the one he thanks is never him. It’s always that star that lingers in the distance. He knows that everything he has done, he will do all over again. His undying devotion will be the death of him.

No matter what he did, no matter how much of himself he devoted to him, Kenny never chose him. He only gifted the vulnerability Matt so desperately craved to see to someone else, someone he actually loves. Someone Golden.

He wants to call out, scream, beg him to stay by his side but he knows he will never be enough to make Kenny stay. He's not Golden.

The blossoms are a haunting reminder of a fact he already knows.

He means nothing to Kenny, and no matter how he changes himself, no matter the atrocities he commits at Kenny's instruction, he will never be enough for him. No matter how many matches he interferes with, no matter how many times he cheers him of, he will never be golden.

He only means anything to Kenny when he's feeling alone, and needs the reprieve.. And like the fool he is, Matt will keep scurrying back to him at his beck and call. Like the fool he is, he knows how deep Kenny's manipulation runs, and yet he still loves him with everything that he is.

He coughs and hacks, flowers falling into his hands. He feels tears falling down his face. Kenny had left his soul bleeding in the dark, and for what? Just to get another moment of glory? Forsaking Matt's love once again for just one more moment in the sun. 

He's caught Kenny every time he's fallen. Where was Kota during Kenny's bullet club days? Where was Kota all those nights when Kenny's paranoia got the better of him? Where was Kota when he broke down out of sudden, overwhelming guilt? 

Kenny had cried into his shoulder a thousand times. Matt had been there for him, he had loved him, loved him more than his own life. He'd tried to put back together what Kota's absence had broken, and he got nothing in return but a knife in his back.

Matt has caught Kenny more times that he can count, and When he expects the same in return, he falls with a deafening crash. He's not the protagonist of this story, he's not even his own. His soul belongs to Kenny, it has from the moment they met.

He wants to hate Kenny, wants to detest him for everything he's done, all the agony he's caused. He can't. He can't find it in himself to feel anything other than adoration for the man.

He would follow him blindly into the darkest night, just like he has a thousand times before, he would follow until the ends of the earth, but Kenny wouldn't even take two steps in his directon.

Despite everything, he stays faithful and loyal as ever. And where did his virtue lead him?

It leaves him crying in a hotel bathroom at 4 in the morning, trying to stay silent and not wake his brother, occasionally coughing up a few petals. 

He hugs his knees to his chest. It was so foolish to him to every assume that if he just gave Kenny everything he was, all that he is, he would one day see Matt's dedication. He's nothing to Kenny. Not a friend, not a lover. 

Just a man foolish enough to fall in love with someone who could never return those feelings. 

And so Kenny took advantage, repeatedly, like a smart man would. He plays the game over and over again, and every time Matt takes the bait because he's just so in love. 

So in love that he's blind that Kenny has only loved one thing, and it's golden. 

The petals scrape and claw at his throat, examples of his naive idiocy. Matt's made more mistakes than he's ever learned lessons, but at least death is a lesson that will never leave him.

At least then, finally, he can let go of Kenny for good. 

The petals are overflowing from his cupped hands, there's more than ever. His chest is burning, he has a headache from the crying.

After what feels like hours, the petals finally stop. He cleans up, limbs heavy with exhaustion, as he disposes of the evidence.

He throws himself down onto the bed. He's not going to be able to sleep, he knows it. He just stares up at the ceiling.

Thoughts of Kenny keep invading his mind. Blonde curls catching the sun's light. Kenny smiling at him like he's all that matters in the world. Matt has to imagine how it would feel for Kenny to look at him that way. He's seen the look on his face a thousand times, but it's never been meant for him.

He just closes his eyes, tries to keep his head above water and stop himself from falling into despair. 

Memories play in his mind. The pictures themselves are fuzzy, but one detail from each one is crisp and clear. The feeling of Kenny's hand brushing his, the feeling of Kenny's arms around him, the feeling of his knee connecting with his jaw. He treasured all of them. Every flickering moment where he had been, even if it were just for a split second, the centre of Kenny's universe.

Every time Kenny had ever told him that he loved him played in his mind, getting louder and louder until his ears hurt. He felt like he was drowning in a sea of sound. He hides under the blankets like a child, as if that can protect him from his own mind.

He sits up, gripping his hair and rocking back and forth, repeating the words over and over and over and over.

Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. 

_Matt, I love-_

Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get OUT!

Get.  
Out.  
Of.  
My.  
Head.

_I don't know what I'd do without you, Matt_

Get out of my head before I do what is best for you.

_You mean the world to me, Matt._

Get out of my head before I listen to you.

_We'll always be there for each other, won't we?_

Get out of my head before I show you how much I love you. 

_I wish we could stay here forever._

Get out of my head before I run back into your arms.

 _Matt, I... I love you._

Please... just leave me be.

His mind fades to static.

\- 

Nick wakes at around 8 in the morning, like always. He looks at Matt, who's blankly staring at the ceiling, and his face falls. He doesn't know what happened, but he knows it's probably about Kenny.

"Matt? You're up early." He mumbled.

"Haven't slept yet." He says weakly.

"Matt..." Nick sighs. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Nick knows he doesn't, but he also knows when something is very wrong with his brother.

"No. I'm okay. Let's just get everything together."

—

Matt follows Kenny into the hallway. 

"Why are you doing this? Any of this? Abandoning us, hanging around with your creepy uncle..."

Kenny looks at his shoes. He doesn't have an excuse or an explanation. He's never needed one before. Matt always welcomes him back with open arms. 

"Answer me... say something."

He starts to walk away.

"Look at me, Kenny." Matt demands, but the break in his voice gives him away.

He keeps walking. Matt hates it, but he knows that this time Kenny isn't coming back. Nick tried to keep his brother back, stop him from making this any more painful than it has to be, but he wasn't quite quick enough. 

"Look at me!" Matt begs, shaking Kenny by the shoulders as the uncontrollable sobs wrack his chest. 

Kenny is unbothered by the display of emotion, nothing changes. All Matt can see is himself in the reflection in the lenses of Kenny's aviators. He looks wrecked, broken beyond repair. 

Kenny doesn't even look at him, won't grant him even that small mercy. The blinding rage, the only way he's ever been able to express how desperately he needs Kenny, only grows.

"I love you, I love you more than anything! I’ve been there this whole time, every day of the past god-knows how many years, and when I ask you one question, you won't even give me that much!" he screams in his face. He's beyond dignity, he's beyond politeness. Angry tears steam down his face, scorching his skin. His head is ringing with pain, it hurts so badly, he's dizzy with despair. "Just kill me yourself! It would be kinder." 

Kenny can't keep up the front of nonchalance any longer.

"You're so caught up in your vision of what you want me to be that you directly reject what I actually am, right to my face! You're so caught up in how hard it is to love me that you don't even see that you don't actually love me."

"How could you say that?!" He calls out. "I would do anything for you, I have done anything for you, but it's never enough! I love you, I love you more than I've ever loved anything, and you won't even look me in the eye anymore! You treat me like I'm a stranger..."

Kenny's voice is harsh as he snaps back in reply. "You love your perfect little version of me that you can't fucking let go of! You don't care about me. You care about this little fantasy."

"It's real fucking rich of you accuse me of not caring when I have sacrificed everything for you! No matter the fight, I have always chosen you, I've always stuck by you! And where have you been, when I needed you?"

"You are mourning over an empty grave and being haunted by a ghost that doesn't even exist! I am standing right in front of you, alive and well." His voice is cold and clinical, and Matt hates it. "It's not my job to go lie down in it just because you refuse to look up at me!"

"Where's the Kenny Omega that loved us, huh? Where's the man who told me he would be there no matter what!"

"He never should have existed, Matt." The sooner you get a grip and accept it, that there was never anything about me that you loved, the better off you will be!"

There's tears streaming out from under the sunglasses.

Kenny is... crying.

"I love you, Matt. Just not in that way. You're my best friend. But I've never been what you wanted. That part of me was never for you. That part of me was never yours to see. That version of me always has always been for him and him alone."

"Kenny-"

"I'm not the good person you want me to be. I never was. I tried to keep up the facade, I tried to bee your Kenny! I just... I miss when who I really am was enough for you. I miss when I didn't have to pretend I was okay with being on my own again, because you always needed something. I'm happier than I've been in nearly two years." 

Kenny leaves and he doesn't look back.

Matt falls to his knees.


End file.
